The blessing of living on the coast! There is nothing like the peacefulness of a rushing coastal storm in the early hours of the morning, when it's still black as night.  Why does it refresh me so much?  Oh my soul!

And I'm here, tucked away in my own little fort, laying snuggled in a blanket with my Bible and my tea, listening to the wind rush hard through the trees and the rain beat against the house in turns. This is the perfect soundtrack for prayer, reading, and rest.  

To me it's crazy that there are people who have never had the chance to experience a real storm like we have here, and the muted calm of the gray skies afterward.  I tell Jeff, I'll never get used to it; never tire of it and wish I were somewhere else. 

The really interesting thing about the storms is that they cause such a calm in my spirit. When the wind blows loud and crashing, and thunder shocks the sky, my mind gets quiet without even telling it to. Just as wild and turbulent the ocean is, my heart is equally placid.  The storms that I have been fighting in my spirit are put into perspective and calmed.  It happens without a thought on my part--I only just now notice that it's true.  I can hear a sliver of God's power, and I am quieted by His strength.  Surely the God who commands this storm across the Pacific is able to care for the cancer in Julie's body.  It is no great feat for Him.  If he can keep us physically in these giant storms, He can keep our hearts in our weaknesses. When we lack faith or are unsure of what to do.  We just hunker down in our houses, firmly built on the Rock, and wait out the storm.


“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.
And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Matthew 7:24-27

Recently, I was telling Jeff that in all the references to enemies and victories in the Word, I have a hard time relating.  I don't have anybody coming after me with their armies.  Nobody seeks my life.  My husband reminded me that, indeed, someone does seek to kill and destroy.  That there is a spiritual battle going on always.  That opened my eyes, and now when I read these things, they make sense and are a good reminder of the things going on that I am not aware of as I go about the day. Anyway, this chunk is too good to not include the whole thing.

		“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my savior; you save me from violence.
		I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.
		“For the waves of death encompassed me, the torrents of destruction assailed me;
		the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me.
		“In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears.
		“Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations of the heavens trembled and quaked, because he was angry.
		Smoke went up from his nostrils, and devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him.
		He bowed the heavens and came down; thick darkness was under his feet.
		He rode on a cherub and flew; he was seen on the wings of the wind.
		He made darkness around him his canopy, thick clouds, a gathering of water.
		Out of the brightness before him coals of fire flamed forth.
		The LORD thundered from heaven, and the Most High uttered his voice.
		And he sent out arrows and scattered them; lightning, and routed them.
		Then the channels of the sea were seen; the foundations of the world were laid bare, at the rebuke of the LORD, at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.
		“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.
		He rescued me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
		They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support.
		He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
		“The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.
		For I have kept the ways of the LORD and have not wickedly departed from my God.
		For all his rules were before me, and from his statutes I did not turn aside.
		I was blameless before him, and I kept myself from guilt.
		And the LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in his sight.
		“With the merciful you show yourself merciful; with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
		with the purified you deal purely, and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.
		You save a humble people, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them down.
		For you are my lamp, O LORD, and my God lightens my darkness.
		For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.
		This God—his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
		“For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?
		This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless.
		He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.
		He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
		You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your gentleness made me great.
		You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip; 2 Samuel 22

This blog, forgotten, set to private, and password-locked, came to my mind a few weeks ago.  I was remembering our life in the desert, and wanted to re-read this old memory blog, so I set about figuring out the password, trial and error style.  I cracked the code (obviously).  Then I spent an evening reading through old posts, totally surprised at how much I had forgotten.  And as much as I enjoyed reminiscing, I was troubled as I read. And the troubledness (not a word, but let's just let that slide by so I don't have to open my thesaurus tab), hasn't left since.

I am troubled by how much I have changed.  

Now, I am certain that some changes in me are good ones.  For example, my heart and life now are less like the roller coaster of that young Christian, who was trying to navigate the boulders that life threw at her with more zeal and guesswork than knowledge.  

I am now less afraid when scary things come because I have lived a little more and watched the Lord care for us in His faithfulness.  Every day, He has shown up and provided all we needed for our spirits and physical selves, and all the worrying amounted to no good.  So I fret a lot less now.  

I'm less a perfectionist with my home and kids and my perceived image to the outside world, and tend to have a better perspective when it comes to things that matter and things that don't.  That's good, too.

So I don't mean to sound too hard on myself, but can't shake the truth:  I've lost a lot over the course of 5 years. A lot.  Please don't mistake me--I am so pleased with where this wonderful life God gives, has led.  I am grateful for my marriage, children, friends, and the work that has been set before me.  I am not talking about the other people in my life--this is only about me lacking the fervor I used to know.
  

I used to lay my heart out on the table for all to see and tried to be as transparent as possible; now I am closed off emotionally and concerned with sounding overly sentimental.  *Full disclosure, I was going to say "cheesy" but realized how childish it sounded, so I went ahead and opened up that thesaurus tab and decided on "overly-sentimental."  But it does fit better, so let's go with it.

I used to wake up every day with a mission in mind.  I was a passionate person.  Passionate about loving my husband well, training up my kids, being a good steward of my money and my time.  I was passionate about the Lord and His Word and was always looking for an opportunity to encourage other women.  I prayed before going into stores that the Lord would let me smile at someone who was having a hard day or bump into someone who needed a friend.  Those were good things.

But I found that sometimes my passion was misdirected and clouded out good judgment.  As we sought, God taught.  I saw that my life was out of balance and that I was emotionally led and lacking in knowledge.  Lots of zeal, but not so much in the 'knowledge of who God says He is' department.  I started focusing solely on things like the study and obedience of God's Word and the importance of proper order in the body.  I neglected praise, worship, rejoicing, and prayer.   And without ever realizing what I was doing, I destroyed the feeling side of myself altogether.  

I quit everything that nourished my soul, save rising early and reading the Bible.  

I quit listening to music because so much of it has incorrect doctrine.  Over time, I quit singing and worshiping the Lord altogether because I didn't know what was real and what was silly emotions or made-up hype that I learned from other people.

I quit meeting with other women almost entirely because I wanted to avoid the "sticky" issues that come up. 

I quit writing and blogging because I became very concerned about what people I knew in person would think of seeing my heart laid bare.  Most people don't tell the whole, honest truth with everyone they meet.  Most people small-talk.  They chit-chat.  They don't pour out their deepest joys and heartaches in everyday conversation. 

I quit reading Psalms every day, seeking out instead Scripture that teaches His commands and precepts. Rejoicing in the Lord was something I did less and less.  But a person needs the whole Word of God to be a whole person, and I suppose the mistake was that I traded one extreme for another.

I quit asking people what the Lord was teaching them, and quit telling them what He was teaching me.

I quit quiet trips to the beach to pray, quit keeping a prayer and praise journal, quit reading books that encourage women in the Lord.  

I (without meaning to) quit amazement over God's goodness, provision, grace, teaching, and love.  I stopped walking around completely overwhelmed and overflowing with everything the Lord was doing, and I somehow (how?) got used to His goodness.  Possibly this was just a side-effect of all the other things I quit doing.  But also I think I became aware that most people didn't do things like walk around telling everyone they bumped into how amazing it is that God helped the washer to work for just one more load so they could get the towels done!

Basically, I quit everything except rules, doctrine, duties, and checklists.  (And now that old dreaded feeling of someone misunderstanding me floods in and I feel the need to stop and clarify that I know that correct doctrine is necessary and more important than me feeling fulfilled or being expressive.  Rules are not bad. Checklists are helpful.  Duties are real and each person has their own God-given ones.)

But I'm telling you, I've made a mistake.

Unknowingly, I have become dull these past few years; a woman who is quite toneless.  I know my role in this life, and I'm living within that role because I love my Lord and I want to please Him in all things.  I love my people.  I love that I have a better understanding of what it means to walk with the Lord, and I'm pleased to not be tossed about by every wave of doctrine or Christian book or man's opinion.   I love to obey His rules and meets my obligations.  But I gotta' say, I'm just not all in it anymore.  If that even makes sense. There's another side of this coin that has been long neglected.

This post is now an incredibly wordy attempt to say this:  In an effort to stop being emotionally led and to be correct in my understanding, I cut off a wonderful element of life.  That is, the element that contains delight, zeal, rejoicing, awe, celebrating, affection, and also things like sympathy, care, warmth, and enthusiasm for doing good works.  I'm now a relatively apathetic person, if I'm being honest.  And that is the point of this post, so I'll go ahead and say it.  

And the scariest thing is that I didn't have a clue I had changed until I took some time and remembered how I used to be.

That reminds me of the Bible, and how it always says to remember.  Remember what the Lord has done. Remember how He brought you through.  Remember this day, remember that you were once a slave, remember His wondrous works, remember His commands, remember His mercy, remember His power, remember, remember, remember.  Over and over.  

I'm sure there are a lot of reasons that the Word is so saturated with commands to "remember," but the thing that I have been living for the past two weeks and the thing that has happened with me is that remembering has hit me hard with longing for those lost things. I see how far I have come, yes. But I also see where I have gone off track.  And I realize that this whole concept is so similar to examining ourselves.  Let me just say that it is my experience that there is a huge difference between examining myself to see if I am in the Way (do I meet the criteria) and realizing that I have lost part of my self.

I am asking the Lord to help me in this.  To allow me to be whole-hearted in this life once again, passionate and zealous for what He says is good.  To renew me and remind me of my mission so I can attack it and run it with endurance.  To help me to remember how to worship and praise Him and to know what is pleasing and acceptable to Him.

This blog will no longer be set to private.  I'm going to make time for writing again.  See if I have anything to say.  I went through old posts and deleted a lot of things that were written in ignorance. Hopefully I got them all, possibly I missed some things.